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I just died..
i honestly want to just spend the rest of this week crying to be honest.
When “professionals” judge the crap out of you for not having enough experience in the industry. & instead of guidance, advice, or encouragement, you spit out the opposite poison. So sorry, I believe where I stand today is where you or anyone has ever started. So sorry, I don’t have the money to spend to completely fulfill my passions. Yet I make do with what I get or what I have for now. Isn’t that what we as artist are “suppose to do?” Create from what we can get or what we have?
So please. Think twice before you criticizes my work as crap when I have gone through all these years learning all of what you’ve paid thousands of dollars for by myself. Yes I make my mistakes here and there. Which is why I chose to go through and hopefully have VFS lined up in the near future to further develop my passion for gorey-heart racing- blood curdling- disgusting creatures of the unknown and yet to be discovered.
I make my monsters out of toilet paper
whats your excuse?
I’m so unhappy. I’ve been unhappy since the beginning of this year.
Don’t you think I deserve to be happy?
yeah me to.
i don’t love you, i don’t need you
i don’t ever want to see you again
i have moved on, and things are perfect
i’m okay with us just being friends.
cuz i don’t think about you, every single night i am fine without you
i sleep tight when i’m not beside you.
i’m moving on, moving on
no, i don’t cry about you, no those ain’t tears in my eyes about you
gonna be fine if i die without you
i’m moving on, moving
these are the lies
that i tell myself at night
these are the lies
that are keeping me alive.
cuz the truth is i’m in pieces
my heart may not survive
i tell myself i’m fine.
i know i’ll be alright…
these are the lies.
I am notorious of finding little ways to destroy myself.
I had a melt down last night.
The kind of melt down that even if you try to talk yourself down you couldn’t calm down. It is so bad that you couldn’t call anyone sobbing on the phone because of the fear of them thinking you have completely utterly lost your mind from screaming at the top of your lungs. & that is when I had realized I’ve hit the ground. I’ve been falling for so long that I’ve finally broke. I’ve shattered into a million pieces. And these pieces are so fine that they are beyond repairable. But I was kind of glad I did not call anyone it was nice to cry and scream and let it all out without anyone there to stop me.
Think of it as drowning. You panic, you try to breathe. Reaching out for anything but no one is there to save you. You cry, you scream, and you hate yourself. And then you accept it. So you choke for the last time and you just dissolve into space with water filling your lungs. You can’t do anything about it so you just let go hoping someone would find you.
This is what it felt to have you heart shattered. It isn’t even broken. Broken means mendable. Broken means there is a chance of being fixed. To be whole.
No. It shattered. To a million pieces that I cannot even fathom to think about how will I put it back together.
The level of pain felt was barely even humanly acceptable but I drove through it. I never wish for anyone to ever feel the way I felt. Nor do I ever wish it upon anyone. It is unpleasant. Unbearable.
So how do I feel today?
Nothing. Besides the aches of my body, I feel nothing.
that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.
1. How many bruises on you right now? probably a lot
2. You talked to an ex today, correct? no
3. Have you stayed in a hospital? yes
4. Is trust a big issue for you? yup
5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? no
6. What are you excited for? sleep, and anime expo
7. What happened tonight? nothing exciting
8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? if they are a crying mess, yes
9. Is confidence cute? sure
10. What is the last beverage you had? water
11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 1
12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? nope
13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? sleep
14. What are you going to spend money on next? supplies for my staff
15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? nope
16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? probably
17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? I’ve got a handful of people
18. The last time you felt broken? Tonight :/
19. Have you had a soft drink today? yes
20. Are you starting to realize anything? yep. -_-
21. Are you in a good mood? never.
22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? hell no
23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? yes
24. What do you want right this second? a bazooka so i can blow people’s faces off.
25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? lol
26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? yes
27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? not really…
28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? Gus calling me short.
29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? always :/
30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? yes if they deserve it.
31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? not really.
32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? no?
33. Are you one of those people who never drinks water? no
34. Listening to? nothing
35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? yes
36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? probably picking up a pile of shit.
37. Do you believe in love at first sight? no. nor do i even believe you can fall in love with someone in a couple of days, weeks, or months. you’re crazy if you do. love is time.
38. Who did you last call? my mom
39. Who was the last person you danced with? my dog
40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? because i liked him a lot but he’s an asshole. story of my life.
41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? a while :[
42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? yes
43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? without a doubt.
44. Do you tan? easily
45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? no, in fact i probably would do it again.
46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? no
47. Who was the last person to call you? mom
48. Do you sing in the shower? yes
49. Do you dance in the car? yes
50. Ever used a bow and arrow? no! but i really really want to.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? last week
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? lol no
53. Is Christmas stressful? stupid
54. Ever eat a pierogi? a what?
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? cherry
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? singer
57. Do you believe in ghosts? no
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yes
59. Take a vitamin daily? no
60. Wear slippers? yes
61. Wear a bath robe? no
62. What do you wear to bed? booty shorts and a shirt
63. First concert? Epitaph tour
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target
65. Nike or Adidas? neither
66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts
68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? um…none?
69. Ever take dance lessons? yes
70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? not really?
71. Can you curl your tongue? yes
72. Ever won a spelling bee? no
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yes
74. What is your favorite book? at the moment The Fault in Our Stars
75. Do you study better with or without music? honestly without lol
76. Regularly burn incense? no
77. Ever been in love? i guess
78. Who would you like to see in concert? lady gaga
79. What was the last concert you saw? Childish Gambino
80. Hot tea or cold tea? both
81. Tea or coffee? both
82. Favorite type of cookie? oreos
83. Can you swim well? yes
84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yes
85. Are you patient? surprisingly yes.
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? band
87. Ever won a contest? yes
88. Ever have plastic surgery? no
89. Which are better black or green olives? black
90. Opinions on marriage? do what makes you happy. you want to get married? go for it. you don’t? that’s cool too.
91. Best room for a fireplace? living room
92. Do you want to get married? as of right now… no.
- when people make me feel stupid.
- when people lie to me